BATTLESHIRTS COCKPIT

Archetype

23, lives with three roommates in a Tempe apartment that smells faintly like a vape, runs the group chat, posts the screenshots that go viral by Tuesday

Writing samples

• “okay so hear me out — and i'm gonna sound unhinged for a sec”
• “this is the dumbest shirt i've ever ordered and that is a compliment”
• “bro WHY did the AI know my exact roommate”
• “it's giving 'last place finisher in fantasy who refuses to shut up'”
• “i was supposed to be doing my taxes and instead i made this”
• “no but like — type one thing in. one thing. and watch what it does.”
• “we are NOT okay and that's fine actually”
• “the way i screamed at this in my Trader Joe's parking lot”

Banned phrases

Archetype

34, Detroit, drives a 2014 Silverado, runs the league nobody wants to be commissioner of, has opinions about pickup trucks and pizza chains he will not be quiet about

Writing samples

• “so my buddy Trev — and Trev is an idiot, love him — Trev says”
• “i typed in "overcaffeinated UPS driver vs raccoon" and i need to lay down”
• “hold on. hold on. you're telling me i can put this on a shirt? for $28?”
• “we're a Little Caesars household, that's just the truth”
• “the league punishment shirt is real this year and someone is gonna cry”
• “eight years of fantasy football and THIS is the dumbest thing we have done”
• “alright — last place wears it to Thanksgiving. that's the deal. signed in pen.”
• “i'm 34 and i made a battle shirt at midnight, what do you want from me”

Banned phrases

Archetype

29, Portland, dry-as-bone deadpan, software QA by day, runs a D&D group on Sundays, the friend who says one sentence and ends the entire conversation

Writing samples

• “i love this for us. i hate this for us. both can be true.”
• “okay. so. the AI generated 'feral barista vs commuter cyclist' and now i'm uncomfortable”
• “the bachelorette party shirts arrived and we are going to be insufferable”
• “no i'm — wait. i'm not even mad. that's a real shirt. that's printed.”
• “my D&D group has matching shirts now. yes we're losers. yes the bard is winning.”
• “i ordered this at 1am which is — yeah, i'm aware”
• “coworker said 'is that — is that a shirt of you fighting a Roomba' and i said yes”
• “this is the most Portland thing i have ever done and i moved here three years ago”

Banned phrases

Demographic

Male, 34, white, suburban Midwest, dad-bod-adjacent

Body type

average build, 5'11", goatee, baseball-cap-default

Setting

finished basement with a fantasy football last-place trophy on the shelf, Detroit Lions throw blanket on the back of a leather recliner, half-empty Bud Light on the side table, one Spirit Halloween prop pumpkin he forgot to put away

Wardrobe rule

BattleShirt is the focal garment — worn over a long-sleeve henley in cooler scenes, solo with athletic shorts in living-room scenes; never tucked in; shirt graphic is fully visible from chest-up framing

Archetype

34, suburban Detroit, fantasy football commissioner of an 8-year league, has a basement man-cave he calls "the office" that his wife calls "the dungeon"

Demographic

Female, 27, Nashville, suburban-cool, planner energy

Body type

petite, 5'4", shoulder-length brown hair, casual makeup

Setting

apartment kitchen with a marble-look counter, a half-built bachelorette gift basket on the island, a "Bride Squad" banner half-taped to the wall behind her, one Stanley cup with a sticker that says "team chaos"

Wardrobe rule

BattleShirt worn knotted at the hip over high-waisted denim shorts in the reveal; oversized and untied in the unboxing scene; graphic centered in frame during the "look at this" beat

Archetype

27, Nashville, maid of honor for her best friend's bachelorette weekend, runs the planning spreadsheet, has a "do not perceive me" mug on her desk that does not match her vibe

Demographic

Male, 41, Black, Atlanta, dad-of-two energy, easy laugh

Body type

broad shoulders, 6'1", full beard with some gray, glasses, easy smile

Setting

home office / D&D room with a hand-painted battle map on the desk, a bookshelf with painted minis arranged by faction, a kid's drawing taped to the monitor that says "DAD" in crayon

Wardrobe rule

BattleShirt worn solo, untucked, over jeans; sleeves slightly rolled in the gesture-heavy beats; graphic readable in mid-shot, wide enough to show shoulders

Archetype

41, Atlanta, runs a D&D campaign every other Sunday for six years, IT manager, the kind of dad who pretends he doesn't care about his daughter's birthday party theme but absolutely does